Now and Forever by SEMON
by Lumi75
Summary: Hisoka X Illumi AU by SEMON written in 2002. Chin - Eng translation
1. Chp 1 & 2

Source:  http://semon dot huming dot com/ontheroad/

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Hisoka x Illumi

**NOW AND FOREVER**

By SEMON

Translated by Lumi75, Edited by Masquerade of Blood

(This is an AU fic not really connected to HxH so please excuse me for any OOCness. Btw, I promise there will be no character death, lol, so please enjoy the reading experience. ^^)

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_----- Life changes so unpredictably fast, challenging our highest ideals, beliefs, aspirations, even love, but for some unknown reason, people find themselves repeating the same ridiculous situations._

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**_1._**

Hisoka first met Illumi in a bar.

At that time he was still their resident singer, he had formed a trainwreck of a rock band with a couple of buddies, while not at band practice, he would smoke up and sleep around, you could say he lived life with a relish, or as the saying goes, _"the further you fall, the higher you feel."_

In contrast, Illumi was a top student in the Faculty of Law of an Ivy League University, he came from a rich, traditional family renowned for generations – the Zaoldyeck family –he was their eldest son, life for him meant school – home, as simple as two dots connected by one straight line.

For two people who shared absolutely no common ground, their meeting was by pure coincidence. On that day Illumi happened to be searching for his brother who had run away from home, when he accidentally barged into the dirty, sleazy interior of an underground bar, the attack of heavy distorted music nearly burst his eardrums. The creator of the ruckus Hisoka was emitting eerie vocals into the microphone, while his other hand grabbed hold of a scantily clad dancer and wickedly wandered all over her well-endowed chest.

Just as Illumi instantly saw the focal point of the crowd, Hisoka. He too, noticed right away the youth whose sharp clothes clashed with his sordid surroundings, even carrying a bundle of books, being buffeted by the rampaging crowd. What most attracted Hisoka was Illumi's face, it was virtually expressionless, and it showed neither panic, disgust nor fear, nothing; just slight perplexion, as if the commotion around him was beyond his ability to comprehend.

Maybe it was the alcohol or the drugs, but Illumi's expression drove Hisoka crazy, he rushed down and pulled Illumi up on stage, hugged him and shouted to the audience that he was dedicating the next song to this anonymous beauty. Everyone started screaming their head off but Illumi remained as calm as ever, he didn't struggle or say anything, his puzzlement only seemed to grow, he stared straight at Hisoka with his big black eyes, that kind of direct and innocent attention made Hisoka hit the wrong notes on quite a few lines.

---

Starting from the next day, Illumi visited the bar every day to watch Hisoka perform. Hisoka couldn't tell if Illumi truly enjoyed his vocals, because his expression never changed the whole time, he merely stared silently at Hisoka, as if observing a species of rare animal. Sometime later, as if by natural progression, Illumi became Hisoka's lover.

Hisoka has long forgotten the exact way it happened. He only recalled that that Illumi's family went berserk over their relationship and tried to separate them by any means necessary. Hisoka didn't give two shits, he never possessed anything to start with, much less been afraid of losing anything, but Illumi proved to be way more stubborn than Hisoka ever gave him credit for.

Those days passed with much difficulty, the two were continually harassed. Hisoka even heard that Illumi's father wanted to hire a hit man to assassinate him; he thought that was the most hilarious thing ever, even somewhat exciting, so he waited in rather high spirits, waiting for the day that Illumi would submit to his family. He'll definitely surrender, Hisoka thought with almost malicious anticipation.

In the end, all his waiting, his anticipation and his predictions came to an end on a freezing cold morning when Illumi showed up on the doorstep of his low rent apartment with a face full of bruises. Undeniably, Hisoka was rather moved, because for a split second, he couldn't decide if he should hug Illumi or to kiss him.

---

**_2._**

Illumi had rebelled for the first and only time in his life and there was no turning back. His family cut him off from all financial support, so he simply left school, and became a server in a café. The young master of a grand family adapted surprisingly quickly to his new environment, even if he habitually maintained a poker-face, his natural-born elegance continued to fascinate a large number of customers. On those rare occasions when Hisoka fetched Illumi home from work, he would always see Illumi surrounded by a large group of twittering girls, while he busied himself with the work at hand, when he turned round and noticed Hisoka, he would give him a slight nod, with no show of delight or surprise.

"Do you think I should lock you up, and never let anyone see you?" Hisoka once asked Illumi with a smile on his face.

"No, you shouldn't, because that way I can't work to pay for my living expenses." Illumi solemnly replied, after giving the matter serious thought.

Oh my god, you're so cute. Hisoka thought, kissing Illumi violently on the lips.

---

Their days of living together passed uneventfully. Hisoka was the resident singer at the bar, he and his buddies continued to produce crazy, unlistenable music, he sang his heart out every day, smoked up, felt up the chest or ass of the dancers, but he never brought a girl or a guy home to spend the night, and he was back home by eleven every night. Because Illumi had the habit of staying up for him, if he didn't see him that day he would refuse to go to bed. But when Hisoka got back home, Illumi wouldn't make small talk, all he did was sit quietly beside Hisoka and watch TV, listen to music, or listen to Hisoka talk his mouth off, then take a shower and go to bed.

Sometimes Hisoka couldn't help but question his importance in Illumi's heart, he could only hug Illumi roguishly and ask, again and again –

"Illu-chan, did you miss me today?"

"Did you miss me on your way to work?"

"Did you miss me when you were cleaning tables?"

"Did you miss me while you were bringing coffee to the customers?"

"Did you miss me like you haven't seen me in years?"

And he would eagerly watch as the black-haired youth pressed his lips together, paused to consider intently, and then nodded his head heavily.

---

_To be continued...8 chps in all, _

Special thanks to Masquerade of Blood for the beta!

Please review for SEMON-sensei!!


	2. Chp 3 & 4

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_Hisoka x Illumi_

_**NOW AND FOREVER**_

_by SEMON_

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**_3._**

Hisoka never considered making a change for anyone, even after he had Illumi, he still thought like that. He preferred a life of freedom, unfettered by responsibilities, and Illumi never interfered. Hisoka still smoked chronic, indulged in hard liquor, shot up on H, sometimes he passed out, and his buddies had to call Illumi to help carry his drunken ass home. Illumi never mentioned this, and Hisoka was pleased to find him so low-maintenance, deciding that he had found himself a perfect lover.

Until one day, Hisoka caught one of his band members teaching Illumi how to shoot up. He immediately rushed up, knocked his friend over with a single kick, followed by a vicious punch to Illumi's face.

"Fuck you! Don't fucking touch this shit!" That was the first time Hisoka hit Illumi, and also the last.

Neither crying, nor expressing any emotion, Illumi eyed Hisoka stoically, felt the cut on his lip, and calmly stated, "I only wanted to know how they taste like, the drugs that have got you so mesmerized."

---

The next day, Hisoka gave away his whole stash of smack, I mustn't let Illumi have any contact with them, he thought. Quitting cold turkey was an absolute nightmare, in his delirium he would smash things up, only to see wreckage all over the room when he sobered up. Hisoka thought the whole situation was rather amusing, but as soon as he noticed the wounds he made on Illumi's arms when he had to be restrained, laughter died in his throat.

"Illu-chan, leave me be, let me be sick by myself."

"Um-hm."

"Illu-chan, go back to work tomorrow, don't stay at home, you don't need this."

"Um-hm."

"Illu-chan…"

"Um-hm?"

"Does it hurt?"

"…Um-hm."

---

In Hisoka's eyes, Illumi may well be an angel, as pure as snow and as perfect, Hisoka decided to protect him as he would protect a precious treasure.

Sometimes, Hisoka felt a little weird, no more weed, no more hard liquor, no more smack, could this really be him?

What the fuck, I'm turning into his freaking wife, he thought hatefully.

But his band mates seemed to approve of his change. Everyone knew Hisoka was a volatile fellow, he liked to play devious tricks, he felt no shame even if he seduced an associate's girlfriend for a one-night stand. Hisoka always wore a smile on his face, but no one could tell what he was thinking about. One minute, he could be laughing and chatting with you, and the next, smashing a chair over your head. No one knew whether this was due to his own character, or the effect of drug abuse, but his gestures were always so excessive, frequently, his buddies were unable to stop him from his rash acts which usually amounted to self-destruction. They liked him a lot better nowadays, not only was he more reserved, even his character became less arrogant.

---

"Hisoka, lately your vocals have been getting better."

"Oh yeah?"

"Probably because you stopped taking drugs. What do you say we put more effort into going professional? Who knows, we might make it big."

"Yeah right, dream on buddy. Do gumballs fall from heaven?"

"Hey, hey! Hisoka, I'm being serious, don't just walk away, Hisoka! Hiso-!"

He didn't show it, but Hisoka actually felt a little happy, after all music was the only thing that he had been admired for in all his decadent life. Maybe I really can succeed. The notion occurred to him for the first time in his twenty-odd years of life. That night, he vaguely remembered having a couple of drinks, and also a long conversation with Illumi, but afterwards he remembered nothing of what he said, only the silent way that Illumi had listened to everything, his inky black eyes sparkled brightly in the dark night, and then tilting his head, he mused carefully, and nodded heavily.

---

**4.**

Illumi had a head of beautiful long hair, crow black and luxuriant. What Hisoka loved best was to bury himself into the pile of silky black strands, and enjoy the feel of Illumi's fresh and dry body heat.

Illumi didn't like talking, or maybe he just wasn't used to expressing his own views, that trait combined with his sweet expressionless face, always gave people the impression he was a lifeless, soulless doll. Sometimes Hisoka figured that Illumi must truly be as cold as numb as he looked, because he always wore the same neutral expression, he did not smile, nor cry. Sometimes, Hisoka wanted to see his tear-stained face so badly, he would purposely hurt Illumi while they were making love, but it never worked, Illumi just desperately bit it down time and time again, even if he tore his lips he would never shed a single tear.

"Why can't you ever cry?" Hisoka felt unsatisfied at not getting a reward for his schemes.

Illumi stared unblinkingly and thought for a long time, before finally revealing to Hisoka, that when he was a child he was trained never to cry, because members of the Zaoldyeck Family were forbidden to show any signs of weakness. Each time he cried, he would be locked up in the black house, to cry until he couldn't cry anymore. Over time, he got used to it.

"Rich people sure have some fucked up ways," Hisoka curled his lips scornfully, hugging Illumi tightly to his chest.

"But you can cry now, no one's going to lock you up."

"… … That's true." Illumi said and then nodded his head.

"Illu-chan."

"Um-hm?"

"Can you try smiling for me sometime?"

"… … Um-hm."

---

Despite his words, Illumi didn't change; he still did not smile, nor cry.

I'd pay anything to see Illumi's tears and smile, Hisoka thought to himself.

---

The first Christmas they shared after living together, Hisoka made the unprecedented gesture of taking him out for dinner at a classy French restaurant. Although Hisoka never felt himself responsible for Illumi's running away from home, the thought that Illumi who was once accustomed to fine dining was now reduced to munching on hamburgers day after day, made him wish that he could treat him better. On that day, Hisoka even put on a suit and tie, when he showed up in his finery at the bar where he usually worked, two-thirds of the guests were so shocked they dropped their drinks, while the remaining one-third were so scared that they fainted dead away.

After they had their feast, which Hisoka honestly thought was more troublesome than delicious, they began to stroll down the street under the softly falling snow, Hisoka purposely stomped on the fresh snow piled up by the side of the pavement and made it grey and dirty. Groups of laughing or bickering lovers walked past them, Hisoka hugged an arm around Illumi's shoulders, whispered jokes into his ear from time to time, while arrogantly flashing the finger at those who dared to give them strange looks.

The billboard above the main street was broadcasting slick commercials and sound clips, a lovely female vocalist seduced the world with her gentle alto. _"I want to love you like it's now or never. We don't need to be together, forever."_

Hisoka burst into laughter. "Damn right, is there anything in the world that truly belongs to anyone? What counts is that we're happy right here, right now. Isn't it, Illu-chan?"

Illumi only gazed at him for the longest time, but did not nod his head.

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_To be continued..._


	3. Chp 5 & 6

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Hisoka x Illumi

**_NOW AND FOREVER_**

by SEMON

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**_5._**

Just a week away from Valentine's Day, the representative of a record company showed up at the bar and approached Hisoka's band, offering to sign a contract. Hisoka assumed an air of nonchalance; he openly eyed the feminine charms of the attractive rep, ignoring the excitement and nervousness of his band mates.

Negotiations went surprisingly smoothly, in just a few days, all the conditions were finalized and they only needed to sign next to the X.

The night before the contract had to be signed; the rep treated the band for a meal at an expensive hotel, after their wonderful dinner and drinks, the group headed off in high spirits to sing karaoke. Hisoka's arm was caught by the rep, under the dimmed lighting the woman's eyes discreetly flirted, her scarlet lips lightly brushed past his ear and she pressed a hotel key into his palm.

Hisoka's scoff of amusement became a wide smirk as he accepted the key.

---

Early the next day Hisoka returned to his apartment where he hesitated at the door feeling the slightest twinge of guilt, but reasoned that Illumi would be at work by then, he unlocked the door and stepped inside.

In the faint dawn of late winter, the room was very dark, so Hisoka switched on the light and right away he saw the eyes of that black haired youth sitting quietly on the couch, gazing at him. The sudden harshness of the bright lights gave Illumi's eyes a pained and disoriented look.

Illumi looked around, and then looked at Hisoka, as if confirming something; he bit down hard on his lips, and stood up.

"I'm going to work now."

"What? Oh."

"Later."

"Yeah, later."

Without any expression, Illumi walked past Hisoka and out the door, he didn't look back.

For awhile, Hisoka just stared at the retreating back, before he turned and noticed a table laden with dishes of fine food and a bottle of champagne; he violently recalled that yesterday was February the 14th.

Hisoka suddenly felt very irritated, an emotion akin to rage felt bottled within and finally erupted. He pushed everything on the table onto the floor, smashed whatever he laid his eyes on, destroyed it, broke it. His tongue went dry, his whole being felt inflamed by a hate that found no outlet.

Illumi always stared at him so silently, he never speaks and has no expression, he neither cries, nor does he laugh. His pair of pitch black eyes was forever so pristine and pure, but he doesn't reflect anyone's existence, including himself.

Hisoka found everything so laughable, he felt he was a rotten puppet on the verge of disintegration, performing solo on a childish and pretentious stage, he was utterly cheap and dirty, he felt empty and bored, yet had no way out. Meanwhile Illumi stood far away, silently looking at him as if observing an amusing play, even at the climax of the show; he would never be as generous as to grace him with a single clap.

Finally, after the last song finished and his fans had scattered, his wasted figure would decompose on the stage, while Illumi too, would make his lofty and elegant departure.

Hate slowly penetrated through Hisoka's heart, for the first time he realized just how much he depended on Illumi, yet couldn't even catch a hold of a single scrap of his shirt.

---

That day, Hisoka refused to sign on with the record label, and his band members nearly went berserk. One of them grabbed him by the collar and punched him, a bruise quickly appeared.

"Hisoka! I don't care if you're a bastard most of the time, but you can't do this to us!"

Hisoka hit back. "Fuck you! If anyone of you fuckers want to sign on, go for it! But not me, I'm not signing!"

"Alright then, why?" An older band member asked with relative calm.

"Because I feel dirty! Like a dirty whore! Like a dirty rat in the sewer!"

"So what; that's who we are."

Hisoka was shocked, his lips moved, but could not speak.

His hate seemed to have found a channel; it slowly seeped across his mouth. Yes, that's exactly who I am…

Why the hell am I pretending to be some prince, some paragon of civilization, he smirked sardonically and signed his name on the dotted line.

He felt something within his body completely collapse.

---

That night, they fucked in a frenzy.

Hisoka brutally entered Illumi's body again and again, forcing their flimsy wooden bed to creak with agonized shrieks. Next door, someone banged on their wall in complaint. Those repeated knocking sounds only provoked him further; they tumbled from the bed onto the floor. But Hisoka was still unsatisfied, he wanted to enter the deepest part of Illumi, to pluck out a piece of his pristine soul, but he never even touched it.

In frustration he thought, cry for me, or at least a moan, however, Illumi only silently knitted his brows, a lost look swimming in his black eyes.

Afterwards, Hisoka caressed the person in his arms, he tangled his fingers in the long black strands, but even though they were right there in his hands, he couldn't feel the warmth they had once possessed. He watched Illumi's tired face, he slowly traced his fingers down his smooth, gentle contours, when suddenly, Illumi widened his eyes, covered his mouth over Hisoka's arm and bit down.

His bite was heavy, fresh blood welled up between the edges of his teeth. Hisoka did not flinch, he didn't even seem to feel the pain, he stood like an outsider observing the wound on his arm, and suddenly chuckled.

"Do you hate me too, Illu-chan?"

"Or maybe, have you hated me right from the start?"

He hugged Illumi tightly, so very tight, and kissed his beautiful black hair, but could no longer hear the heartbeats of his partner.

The whole time they were together, he never said those three words "I am sorry", because Hisoka was a man who felt such words were beneath him.

---

**_6._**

Time, like the bite mark on his arm, quickly disappeared.

Hisoka began drinking again, sleeping around, although he didn't do the drugs he once did, after all life was complicated enough now that his band was commercialized. As long as Hisoka didn't get himself in major trouble, the money let him be as artistically debauched as he wanted. This way, he has even more of the charisma of a rock star, a rep from his record company once said, with an ambiguous smile.

Maybe because they've known him for too long, none of Hisoka's buddies expressed any surprise when he reverted back to his former ways.

But some friends did make it a point to remind him. "Hey, aren't you being a little unfair to Illumi, look at how expressionless he's been lately, I think he's hurt." Hisoka merely smirked, kissed the woman in his arms and impatiently replied, "Isn't he always like that?"

---

"Actually Hisoka, I don't think you know what you really want." Bar owner Kuroro once observed meaningfully. He was another black-haired youth, but his knowledge far surpassed his true age, he could often be heard dropping pearls of wisdom, which no one could really dig.

At his words, Hisoka merely crinkled his eyes, as if life was just a game and he had nothing to lose.

"The only things that I want, are the things that I can see."

Kuroro just laughed, shaking his head regretfully.

---

Hisoka knew that Illumi had been hurt, even though his expression did not change. From that day that Illumi had bitten his arm, he already knew that something between them had changed.

Illumi's disagreements were always silent, he never yelled or punched. He still kept to the same routine as before, went to work at the same time, got home at the same time, and quietly stayed up waiting for Hisoka to get home. If Hisoka came home after a one-night stand, Illumi would bitterly block him from coming closer, locking himself in his room, or simply not speak to him for days at a time, his child-like stubbornness was a major headache for Hisoka.

If only he would just fight with me, Hisoka thought, he would rather have Illumi yell at him, even if he screamed like a hysterical woman that would still be a lot more preferable to the stoical expression he wore at all times.

Sometimes Hisoka also felt he had gone too far, he would approach Illumi gently, come home on time, no more girls, no more weed, but he would only be clean for a while before reverting back to his old habits.

Later on, they moved to a new place, the band's first album sold well, Hisoka found himself a unit in a classy condo, but Illumi didn't quit his job, even though Hisoka pressured him saying he was now rich enough to provide for him, but still he insisted on taking the hour-long ride everyday to his job at the café.

Then something major happened, a thief broke into Hisoka's apartment, while he was leaving he ran into Illumi who had just returned from work, at that critical moment, the thief knocked Illumi unconscious with a bat and escaped. Only until Hisoka got home the next morning did he discover that Illumi's body had been soaking in a pool of blood for god knows how long.

Hisoka nearly lost his mind, he didn't know if this was how Illumi would leave him forever, even when the medics pushed Illumi into the emergency room, he remained glued to the entrance and shouted hysterically, until the hospital had to call security to calm him down.

The operation went well; the patient was able to receive visitors only a week later.

Illumi sat on the bed, everything around him was snowy white, the color broke Hisoka's heart. Illumi was as calm as before, if anything had changed inside, they remained undetectable. Hisoka placed a large bouquet of red roses beside Illumi, and held his hands; at the first touch of the cold lifeless fingers Hisoka's heart give a lurch. And then he began to repeat the promises that he had broken time and time again.

"Illu-chan, I'll never come home so late again."

"Um-hm."

"Illu-chan, I'll never let you be sad again."

"Um-hm."

"Illu-chan… …"

"Um-hm?"

"Does it hurt?

"Does it hurt?"

Illumi did not reply, he slowly turned his head, and faced the window where a few sparrows flew twittering past.

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_To be continued....last 2 chapters..._


	4. Chp 7 & 8

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Hisoka x Illumi

_**NOW AND FOREVER**_

By SEMON

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**_7._**

Illumi's departure was as sudden as his arrival.

Hisoka has already forgotten the exact date it happened, it was roughly two years after they started living together, it was also winter, the weather was freezing cold. That day, he took home an unknown female vocalist to sleep with. That was the first time he had ever brought anyone home since he started living together with Illumi, because the girl kept insisting that she wanted to see what the home of a successful rocker looked like. When he brushed her aside, she shot back with a sneer, don't tell me you've got some jealous chick living over at your place. Hisoka thought bitterly, What jealous chick, I've only got myself a man with no expression, what the fuck? So he took her home.

Nobody was there, Illumi was still away at work. Hisoka breathed a sigh of relief then quickly got down to business with the singer, he wanted to get it over with, but somehow, no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get into it, making the girl complain sarcastically. Right at that moment, the doorbell just had to ring, so Hisoka furiously ran to the door and flung it open, but before the swear words could leave his mouth, he saw Illumi standing there looking startled.

Hisoka never expected it to be Illumi, because Illumi had a key and because he should be at work at this time of day.

Illumi gazed at him, before slowly saying, "I forgot something at home, when I came back and saw your shoes at the doorstep, I just rang the doorbell." He seemed to be excusing himself, but Hisoka couldn't quite grasp why, he only felt the atmosphere grow awkward, he even felt embarrassed for standing there with only a little towel wrapped around his waist.

---

"Hisoka, what are you doing, hurry up I want you inside!" The girl yelled from within the room.

Illumi's eyelashes suddenly trembled; he fiercely cast his gaze down. Hisoka immediately cursed her and 18 generations of her ancestors, he couldn't decide if he should let Illumi in or make him stay away for the moment.

When Illumi raised his eyes again, Hisoka clearly saw a single teardrop flow from his eye.

Only one single drop.

That single drop of crystal clear liquid sparkled at the edge of Illumi's eye, and slid down. Hisoka fought the urge to reach forward to catch it. That teardrop traced the contour of Illumi's cheeks, the edge of his lips, his chin; following the places he usually planted his kisses. It landed on the floor, shattering.

And then, out of the blue, Illumi began to smile, a smile of total exhaustion like how it really feels good to let go of something that has been too heavy, too long.

Hisoka froze in awe; the two things that he had been obsessed with seeing appeared so suddenly and simultaneously in front of him, that he didn't know whether to be joyful or remorseful.

"I'm going to work now." Illumi took a step backwards, smiling, and prepared to go.

Hisoka was still rapt with awe, he could only think of agreeing. "Uh, yeah."

"Later."

"Yeah, Later."

They said goodbye at the doorway just like normal, but as Hisoka watched Illumi walk away something made him step forward and shout, "Illu-chan!"

Illumi looked back, paused in his footsteps, but Hisoka didn't know what to say, he stared silently and then squeezed out a few words.

"Illu-chan, its cold out, dress warmly ok, don't get sick on me."

The black-haired youth gazed quietly at him, as if thinking for some time, then gave a light nod, turned and vanished. The freezing cold wind blowing down the corridor attacked Hisoka's bare skin; a sudden pain hit Hisoka like a stray bullet fired into his heart.

---

After that day, Illumi never came home.

For the first few days, Hisoka simply shrugged, he figured Illumi got mad at him and found himself someplace to hide. One week later, when Illumi still hadn't returned home, Hisoka started getting worried. He showed up in a huff at the café where Illumi worked, demanding to see him, and the answer he got was— Illumi? He hasn't been to work for a week.

Could Illumi be hiding over at a friend's house? Hisoka thought, and realized with shock he had no clue who Illumi's friends were, or maybe, he didn't even have any friends, Hisoka speculated involuntarily.

After tossing and turning for another week, Hisoka finally filed a missing person's report.

He waited another week, but when the police still hadn't responded, he began calling up their office day after day demanding an update, until the officer couldn't stand it anymore and roared, "For fuck's sake stop hassling me! I told you we couldn't find him! If you're so goddam smart go find him yourself!"

"Dammit! If I could have done it myself, why the fuck would I need you!" Hisoka smashed his cell into the wall; the clatter of it breaking apart irritated him even more.

Hisoka began buying newspapers, he would flip open to the society section, scanning it for any news of an unclaimed corpse and the like, he dwelt in a state of paranoia, not knowing if he really hoped to find Illumi reported on these pages or not.

Day after day this carried on, Hisoka thought he was losing his mind, he thought resentfully, Illumi, are you doing this on purpose? Are you waiting for me to fall apart before you'll come back and make fun of me? Or just as frequently, he would tell himself, "Fuck this shit, what's the point of looking for him, let him go, go get yourself someone new, there are a ton of lovers out there even better looking than him, younger than him and without his effed-up attitude." But despite all his thoughts, almost by instinct, he would find himself flipping through all the newspapers he could get his hands on, looking for the slightest hint of Illumi.

---

Until one day, his doorbell suddenly rang loudly, Hisoka froze for a few seconds, trying to decide if his ears were deceiving him, before dashing over and tearing the door open, ripping apart the lock in the process.

"Hisoka, what's up with you? You've gone MIA for a month, the office kept calling you but no one picked up. The record producer is mad at you, you know, your band is going on tour next month! If you still don't show up for band practice watch out you might get kicked out!"

Hisoka stared uncomprehendingly at the businessman in front of him, he observed his mouth working up and down, but he couldn't hear a single word.

"Where's Illu-chan?" He asked.

"Huh? What Illu-chan? You mean your lover Illumi? Hey, the heck's wrong with you! Do you know what situation you're in? Look, it's none of my business what's going on in your private life, but is it too much to ask for a tiny bit of professionalism? Just look yourself; you look like a caveman from the Himalayas! Next month … …"

He heard nothing at all, he slowly looked at the four walls, then the interior, from the shoe rack at the doorway to the magazine lying on the couch, nothing's been changed, it looked exactly the same as last month, but there's only one difference, Illumi's not there.

---

Where's Illu-chan?

---

One month later, their live performance proceeded as scheduled.

Hisoka stood on stage and sang himself hoarse; he drowned in layer after layer of flowing lights. The crowd began screaming his name ecstatically, he felt vertigo.

After a song, he demanded at the audience beneath his feet, "Hey you, yes, yes YOU, do you love me? Do you love me!?"

Their voices were as thunder.

"I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!"

Hisoka felt his body become hollow, he tried to resist it but waves and waves of emptiness attacked him, gripping the microphone, his body weakened, he fell to his knees, couldn't summon the strength to get back up.

Swaddled by mass appreciation, he suddenly realized that he had never said those words to Illumi, "I love you".

---

_**8.**_

The next time he met Illumi was five years later, two years after Hisoka was awarded the Grand Prix du Disque.

Nothing changed very much in those five years, but everything also changed. Hisoka's first band broke up over the industry cliché of disagreement over their "musical direction", but it was obvious to those in the know that his band mates simply couldn't take any more of Hisoka's self-obsessed inflexibility. Afterwards, the record label recruited a back-up band for Hisoka and after 2 to 3 years of ups and downs in relative obscurity he became popular again, Hisoka was now a superstar. People frequently remarked that for someone with Hisoka's terrible attitude and antagonistic personality to actually gain popularity within the scene was nothing short of a miracle. Whenever he heard that, Hisoka merely smirked, playa-haters.

Hisoka was the golden boy of the tabloids; he had more sex scandals than there were stars in the sky, he changed lovers again and again, but strangely enough his flings lasted only a short while, frequently no more than a week. And as each lover would attest, Hisoka's favorite pastime was definitely not playing poker as his publicist would have people believe.

"He's obsessed with reading the papers." That's what a former lover of Hisoka Ms A reported. "No, not the sports section or the entertainment news, he's obsessed with the society pages, once he gets his hands on them, he would pore over it line by line."

The gossip press certainly couldn't just let such a juicy tidbit slip by, when one reporter boldly asked Hisoka why he did that, he was knocked to the ground by a single punch, and lost three of his teeth. The record label paid for his medical expenses and no one ever dared to ask him that question again.

That day, Hisoka was invited to give a performance at the opening ceremony of some event, by the time he got there, lots of people were already mingling, he recognized some from all the industries, and acquaintances would frequently approach him in friendly greeting.

He suddenly saw Illumi.

He was dressed in an elegant black suit, making him look even taller and thinner and was chatting with a businessman of CEO caliber. It's been five years, but Hisoka recognized him instantly. He suddenly recalled that the main sponsor of today's event was the Zaoldyeck family, which made sense that he would be there, but for some reason Hisoka still panicked.

When Illumi turned and looked in his direction he noticed a woman draped around Illumi's arm. His moment of awkwardness immediately subsided, and Hisoka decisively strode over.

Face to face, Hisoka realized that Illumi had hardly changed, he had lost some weight, but face was as expressionless as ever. He felt a sudden stab of resentment, because when Illumi saw him he didn't show any surprise, not even the slightest tremble in his pair of inky-black eyes.

Still smiling, Hisoka began to speak.

"Illu-chan, long time no see. Why did you do that for, leaving me without a word, and I thought we were the best friends, what you did was really cold you know. By the way the owner of the café, he was really worried about you; he kept calling me to ask if you had returned home, although yeah, that happened a couple of years ago. You still remember him, don't you? That bearded guy? And Kuroro, you know the owner of the bar we used to hang out at; he kept asking me what happened to you, that brat really likes poking his nose into things that are seriously none of his business… …"

Hisoka had often fantasized about the day he would meet Illumi again, how it would be like, but never in his wildest dreams had he pictured himself shooting his mouth off with the stupidest, most random comments. The woman standing beside Illumi began to show obvious annoyance, so Hisoka stopped; meanwhile Illumi hadn't spoken a single word the whole time.

Hesitating for a moment, Hisoka looked deep into Illumi's eyes, asked, "Illu-chan, how have you been?"

Before waiting for Illumi's reply, the woman cut in, "Illumi, do you know him?"

Hisoka narrowed his eyes and seized her up, she was the type of woman whom he found the least attractive, she had a pretentious and domineering face, the type who ended up like a dead fish in bed, Hisoka thought bitterly. And the woman also stared at him up and down with the scornful eyes of the upper-crust. She clung tighter onto Illumi's arm, and a ring on the fourth finger of her right hand flashed with a watery white light, making Hisoka shiver involuntarily.

Illumi patted her hand reassuringly, "I do not know him."

"I do not know him."

Illumi linked arms with the woman, brushed past Hisoka and approached the CEO of another company.

---

I don't have to read the newspapers again.

That unrelated notion flashed across Hisoka's mind. His whole body went weak he lacked the strength even to cast a second look at that person.

---

So he went back.

Hisoka faced up to the truth that he had long suspected but refused to acknowledge.

---

Where am I?

He suddenly felt aimless, standing among the large crowd of people like a lost child.

Everything became a blur, everyone became indistinct, and through the grey mix of light and shadow, what did he see?

He saw that day many years ago, when he emitted his bizarre vocals on that dilapidated stage, then Illumi appeared over there, long black hair, big black eyes, looking at him with his pure and direct gaze. He rushed over and hugged him, he kissed him, he told him he loved him, he asked him whether if he loved him too? He saw Illumi purse his lips, tilt his head, think about his question very seriously for a long time, then nod his head heavily.

Hisoka suddenly felt a burning heat fill his eyes, he closed them, then slowly opened them again, maybe when he opened his eyes again, the nightmare would have disappeared.

But no, what he saw was a lavish stage, a crowd of strangers, and he was standing here like a clown. Sad, lonely and funny.

Someone dressed like an MC appeared to be trying to get his attention.

"Mr. Hisoka, are you okay? Mr. Hisoka?"

"Where am I?"

"Mr. Hisoka, please don't scare me, we need you to sing soon."

"Sing? Sing what?"

"Why, your biggest hit, FOREVER LOVE."

"FOREVER LOVE?"

"Yeah, FOREVER LOVE."

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-- a little gift for my dear friend NIX

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BY SEMON 2002/8/4

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T/N: NIX painted this HisoIllu.

http://img237 dot imageshack dot us/img237/6076/nixzy3 dot jpg


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